We have much to hope from.

When I had completed Simbang Gabi two years ago, during a time of emotional upheaval that almost threatened my sanity, I wrote down what the experience meant for me. In retrospect, my difficulty in talking about emotional matters exacerbated my tumultous state of mind then, but now I have hope that I would be able to open up about this someday.

The following excerpt is the end part of my Simbang Gabi reflection:

Mary and Joseph had experienced a great upset in their lives when they were told that they were going to be, under no uncertain terms, used by God to show His great glory and immeasurable love to mankind. They were told they were going to suffer a situation they didn’t expect, and didn’t want. They were going to be parents to a Being they weren’t even sure what kind of person would be, other than He was meant to be Emmanuel, a sign that God is with us. They weren’t even sure just how much He is their responsibility, because they were only His as much as He was theirs. And they didn’t know if they’re actually going to have Him, as birth was probably a process that was a lot less unsafe before like it is now. They actually did end up given only a little bit of time to know Him. They faced the consequences of their choices without knowing that it inevitably ended with death and loss.

Mary and Joseph weren’t to know what that meant to all of us. But it did happen, and they did go through with it, and now we know that God would offer His own Son to be with us and to die for us. He showed just how much we are worth, and it wasn’t because we deserved any of it. It is up to us to know what His gift of His coming means, what His gift of eternal life that He is offering to us means, and or live our lives trying to figure it out. We would never know what we truly deserve, because only God knows true Justice like He is the only one who knows how much (or rather, how little) time we have. We would never truly know His will, but we know enough that in believing and following the Father’s will, Jesus saved us from our sins. Even if Mary and Joseph weren’t to know what they would be, their faith was enough to see them through. Even if Mary and Joseph weren’t sure of what they would do, they allowed God to come into their lives, and it is in His presence in their lives that they found that they could do anything, that they could love God through all uncertainties and precariousness of living, and their effects of their actions would extend this far to us.

I know that, despite all else, all is full of love. That God does love each and every one of us, even those who choose to live in darkness and without His love. That by letting God be with us in all aspects of life, love can see us through anything. But what I didn’t know was whether I had enough love in me to forgive something I considered to be unforgiveable. I didn’t know that I could still love despite knowing the evil in the hearts of men. I didn’t know how much I needed to prove to myself that could actually give love as much as I have received, despite my fears of inadequacy and my sins.

This Christmas, God has given me the gift of this knowledge, that it is worth the pain of knowing life and love with what little time we are given, this belief that persons are gifts of God to me no matter who they are, and this faith that in choosing to love we become even more blessed with it, if not shown that loving is worth as an end to itself, and that should be enough even if we have no real way of knowing for sure. Even if I have to hold on to this knowledge, this belief, and this faith alone, I have to do my best to affirm and appreciate life, no matter how much it doesn’t make sense or how much it would cost me, given the great amount of death and darkness in it.

I couldn’t very well say to anyone who’s experienced enough bad things, or is experiencing agonizing suffering right now, simply that God is good, so everything’s going to be all right. But what I can say, what I can promise, is that we can do what has to be done, that we can do what we can in love, because God is with us. I am here because He is with me, and I am here because you, my friends, are with me, and so I know that everything’s going to be all right. So as much as I hate it, as much as I’m angry and scared, I can let go of my pain and offer it to God, because I know things will sort itself out in the end.

“There is nothing in which deduction is so necessary as in religion,” said he, leaning with his back against the shutters. “It can be built up as an exact science by the reasoner. Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are all really necessary for our existence in the first instance. But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its colour are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers.”

–Sherlock Holmes, in “The Adventure of the Naval Treaty” by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle