A bit awkward to write, but it’s all true.

I can’t write anything while my Dad’s in the next table with his friend, who is talking about religions and how Christian culture is against pleasure and sex.

I still remember back in Grade 6, when an art teacher, who hadn’t ever handled a class I’m in and whose name I forgot, suddenly came into class and proceeded to write on the blackboard:

“Sex is good.”
“Sex is beautiful.”
“Sex is a gift from God.”

After a moment of jaw-dropping surprise, I hadn’t been able to stop myself from giggling. (It took me until I was 15 til I stopped giggling whenever I hear the word “penis” after all.) I couldn’t remember what else that teacher had said, but I won’t forget those words.

For all my facetious attitude when the topic presents itself in small talk to the point of apparent prurience, I often forget my personal conviction about sex until I strongly react to ideas that are against it. I don’t believe God doesn’t want me to have sex, but I’m pretty sure I am not supposed to be governed by lust. I don’t believe in premarital sex, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t a mortal sin. I don’t believe God wants priests to suffer in their celibacy, but I’m pretty sure all of us and not just priests are supposed to obey God’s will. The demands of love may be confused with the demands of our own bodies and perceived social pressure, but I’m convinced that no one has the right to make the choice for me in what I want for a sex life.

Being celibate by choice is really freeing. I get to grin at people when they find out I’ve never had a boyfriend due to the lack of effort in finding one. My 11 years of being in a private Catholic school for girls in my formative years gave me a focus without distractions when regarding boys. I have enough practice in sorting out my feelings of attraction, and create a system to be able to differentiate if my desires are purely platonic or just impulse/hormone-driven. I happen to like being single, because it’s currently just too fun.

Of course, I have an odd set of standards for fun, and my family is vaguely nudging me to widen my circle of close relationships (but definitely stopping before concupiscence). But I like being my own woman at the moment. I sometimes wonder if I am being selfish, but it’s more likely because I haven’t been in active service for God and it reflects my laziness in my relationships. Loving God is something I should commit myself to devoting more time to, and then perhaps, romance will eventually come to be an idea that’s definitely worth my time.